Yi of Evil Will
by Terror of Zanarkand
Summary: Sequel to Zhuge Liang's Decision. Sima Yi has just risen to the fame of Most Sought After Strategist in China. Open ended question goes here!
1. Chapter 1

**Yi of Evil Will :[**

**Chapter One: No Mountain High Enough**

The giant flaming eyeball pivotted slowly atop the black tower, atop the dark mountain circled by vultures, at the edge of a great cliff, flanked on the west, south and north sides by blackened fields. It saw everything for kilometres in every direction, missing not a detail as it swept watchfully over the landscape.

Well, there's not much else to do when you don't have an eyelid. The master hadn't considered this when conjuring the fiery iris. Nor had he considered that vultures would regularly smack into and impale it.

Nor had he considered the biggest design flaw; fire was not waterproof, and it was raining. The eye flickered momentarily and went out. Just when there was something on the horizon worth noting, too.

Four men sat astride weary horses, making their way slowly across the poorly-designed level towards the sinister looking tower. The horsemen eventually came to a halt around a hundred metres from the mountain that played host to the structure. It was kind of impressive, as far as Koei buildings went. Red Hare would take pehaps thirty seconds to gallop around it, and a full minute to reach the top running vertically, if horses did shit like that.

The outer walls appeared to be made of darkened steel, and rose in ridges like the flangs of a mace. At the top, apparently, was a huge, fiery Xiahou Dun joke waiting to happen.

"It appears we have arrived," Cao Ren observed. He nodded to Zhang He. "Arouse Lord Cao Cao."

Unaware of possible double meanings, Cao Ren watched curiously as He turned gleefully in his saddle, rounding on the king who slept soundly on horseback. To the wo/man's great disappointment, Cao Cao's eyes fluttered open before his belt could be removed. He smiled sleepily as he noticed his general.

"Not tonight Lady Zhen . . . mmh, your husband is getting suspicious . . . " He began to drift back to sleep.

Cao Ren produced a piece of paper, loyally adding this to the 'List of Things Cao Cao Said that Should not be Repeated.' It was a harrowing read.

"Cousin, wake!," Xiahou Dun snapped. "We must be on guard, should _they _be in this area."

Cao Cao opened one eye again. "Ugh . . . Let me sleep, fool. If 'they' aren't sexy women I don't want to hear about it."

"They _are _sexy," Zhang He sighed dreamily. "Who did not grow up without a Yuan Shao poster on their bedroom wall?"

Ren and Dun exchanged glaces, before shrugging and nodding. Cao Cao sat bolt upright in his saddle.

"What? Oh yes, that blasted Yuan! And Sun Jian, curse his pirate gills." The King of Wei turned to scan the landscape, seeing no sign of his rivals. He sighed with satisfaction. "Cao Cao 1, ingrates 0. We must be playing _my _Musou Mode today."

It had been almost a year since warriors from Wei, Wu and Shu had descended upon Zhuge Liang's mountain hideaway, hoping to secure the mystic's strategic abilities after a series of bizarre 'accidents' had killed off their respective military advisors. Liu Bei had, of course, walked away with the major prize, leaving Cao Cao, Sun Jian and Yuan Shao empty-handed. The name of another strategist looking for employment had luckily been dropped, and the three heroes were just desperate enough to seek him out.

However, there was a bloody big war on, with events following the typical Dynasty Warriors Timeline:

Yellow Turban Rebellion (184) ---- Fall of the Han (220) ---- Shitload of Fighting (220-280ish) ---- End Credits (Date unknown) ---- Pointless Sequel (Usually 1-2 months after End Credits)

There was work to be done, and for a while time could not be spared to go chasing after another mysterious hermit. Even if he was something cool, like a giant crab.

Needless to say Liu Bei had been flaunting his trophy strategist every opportunity, and eventually Cao Cao couldn't take it anymore. He needed something to wipe the smirk of his nemesis' face, and since he couldn't get close enough for the acid, it seemed that he had only one choice. A perilous journey had to be undertaken by the most important man in Wei, requiring he travel far from his seat of power, through harsh and dangerous wilderness to the secluded lair of a man with an evil laugh.

"We could make do with a shovel as a strategist, you know," Cao Ren said. "Or a pie of some description."

"Sima Yi is smarter than a pie," Cao Cao snapped. "One would hope."

"Or," Ren continued. "_I_ could always become your new military advisor."

XIahou Dun barked a laugh. "Please note that idea ranked lower than both pie and shovel."

"The same could be said of your intelligence," Ren returned.

"Perhaps we need to find a strategist who is both pie _and _shovel?," Zhang He suggested innocently. "How unstoppable such a man would be!"

"Zhang He?," Cao Cao began.

"Yes?"

"Make like a mayfly and die."

Dun, however, wasn't so quick to dismiss the idea. "What if . . . what if we kill Sima Yi, cut his head off and bake it into a pie, then bury his body with a shovel?"

"It would seem highly contradictory to tell you that you think too much." With that Cao Cao rode out ahead of his followers, towards Sima Yi's feng shui-challenged abode.

Cao Ren, Xiahou Dun and Zhang He pouted in unison before riding to catch up. The four of them rode the rest of the way across the dark plains to the foot of, yes, another mountain. They dismounted.

"Why is it always a freakin' mountain?," Xiahou Dun whined. "I still have blisters from the last one!"

Cao Cao snorted, waving up at the smaller peak. "Does this one look as though it will take four chapters to climb? You're more than welcome to go home if it's _too hard_."

"That's very understanding, Lord Cao Cao. If you really don't mind- "

"Cousin Dun, when was the last time I gave someone the day off? Think, shut up, and follow."

Dun sighed. "We need a union . . ."

The mountain towered above, a single crooked peak reaching for the cloudy afternoon sky. The screeches of vultures pealed down upon the foursome. Either that, or Xing Cai was up there somewhere.

"What a gloomy place," Zhang He commented disdainfully. "I don't even see a gift shop."

"If you find one, buy me some earplugs."

"Who are you?," a deep voice grated. A tremor snaked through the ground beneath their feet at the sound. The men from Wei spun, weapons ready to face whatever spoke.

Standing on two legs, the hulking creature loomed over them. It was easily eight feet tall, with shaggy hair covering its entire body. Huge teeth glinted ominously, despite the lack of any light to reflect.

Cao Cao, Ren and Zhang He gulped.

Xiahou Dun whistled. "Dead. Sexy."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: Leader of the Pack**

"Dude."

"Gyeh?"

" . . . I still can't believe he's gone. " Sun Ce sighed. "I can't believe _I _rule Wu now. How totally cool is that?"

Sun Quan looked up at his older brother and dribbled, nodding. He rubbed against the heir to Wu's leg loyally.

"What are you doing?," Sun Jian asked quietly from behind Ce.

The prince froze. "Pop's behind me, isn't he?"

"He already spoke, Cetard." Sun Shang Xiang moved beside Jian. "Brother was just rehearsing, father. He's been doing it since he was five years old."

Ce puffed out his chest, hoping that fact had impressed Sun Jian. Shang Xiang frowned. "And somehow he still sucks at it."

"The only things Ce has been doing since he was five are pushups and pot." Sun Jian paused. "Also one of the servant girls, I believe."

Shang Xiang folded her arms as she looked over the dark plains stretching to the north. "Father?"

"What is it?"

"Why can we never travel from point A to point B without at least one pointless conversation illustrating my brothers' stupidity?"

"Yeah, I _so _agree," Ce said. "It's like, our dialogue's totally predictable by now."

A small image of Sun Jian's head appeared at the corner of everyones' vision._ "Enemy officer defeated!," _it cried.

"Dude, get off my screen already!"

"I never thought I'd be part of a predictable sequel," Shang Xiang said.

"We're not _that _bad," Sun Jian argued. "Ce, you can't tell me what I'm about to say, eh?"

"You're gonna say, 'Ce, I hate you'."

"Ce, I hate you."

"Argh!"

"When I rule it'll be like the Lion King, only with tigers!" Sun Ce turned from his father and slumped his shoulders theatrically. "I _can't believe_ he's really gone . . . I think I'll put up green curtains in the throne room!"

Shang Xiang stepped between the twitching Jian and his son diplomatically. "Disclaimer: Sun Ce does not actually own Wu."

"I don't need a disclaimer to tell me what is obvious," Jian growled, but turned away. He punched the air in front of him. "Gah, everything's so predictable- I can't stand it anymore!"

"Hey Pop, wanna know something that isn't predictable?"

Sun Jian spun back, his face red. "What, Ce? What isn't predictable? Tell me! What?"

A meteorite the size of a house tore through the clouds and smashed the ex-pirate hunter deep into the ground. Walls of dirt sprang up at the impact. Jian's helmet bounced twice and rolled to rest at Sun Quan's feet.

"That," Ce answered, holding a cloth over his nose as the dirt settled. "All right, I totally rule Wu now! Let's head back to base for debriefing and weed."

"FATHER, NO!" Shang Xiang ran forward to where the space rock had struck. "Don't you leave me here with those two!" She looked from the rock, to Ce and Quan, then to the sky. "Hey, could I get two more meteors down here?"

Ce grinned. "When stuff like that happens, it's destiny. Green curtains, dancing monkies, National Me Day- I will _so _rule at ruling!" He turned to the Wu princess as she stood, his hand raised. "High five, c'mon!"

The princess grabbed his wrist and deftly stepped behind him, pulling his hand back over his shoulder hard. "You don't rule anything until we're absolutely sure he's dead."

"Hey, ow! He got squashed by space rock, I don't see how he could be more dead."

"Maybe he respawned at our nearest base? I lost count of the times he was squashed by boulders during the Yellow Turban Rebellion." Shang Xiang moved over to the meteor. "Father, if you can hear me, knock twice!"

Ce grinned, happy his arm was no longer being broken. "Sorry sis, old man's gone. As my first decree as lord - no, Dudenator - of Wu, I want you and Quan to fight for my entertainment!"

A fist shot up through the rock, sending chunks of stone spinning in all directions. Coughing and sputtering, Sun Jian clawed his way out of the debris and rolled down the side to hit the ground.

Sun Ce's mouth hung slack. "Oh. My. Shit."

"Father!," Shang Xiang squealed, throwing her arms around him. "I _knew _you weren't dead!"

Jian patted her head, wincing with pain as he rose. "A tiger has nine lives, my dear."

Ce folded his arms and turned away. "That's cats. Pft, dumbass."

His father ignored him, turning to his current favourite, or least hated, son. "Quan, how far from Sima Yi's lair are we now?"

The younger Wu prince bent over obediently and began sniffing the ground. He moved around on all fours for a few moments, following the scent of Sima Yi's dastardliness. He raised a hand and pointed in his direction of choice. "Not far," he burbled with shocking coherrence.

"Excellent! Right, we keep moving. We will meet up with Huang Gai and the others soon." Sun Jian nodded to Quan and Sun Shang Xiang before striding off again. Quan ambled after him dutifully, but as his sister moved to follow Ce grabbed her arm to hold her back.

"Hey sis . . . you think Quan knows where we're going?" He thought for a moment and rephrased. "_Or _how to get there?"

Shang Xiang shrugged. "I figure he must be good for something. Your total lack of worth was a freak, one-in-a-billion thing."

"Oh, you mean like a chick with a flute killing a thousand evil dudes armed with swords?"

"Yeah. Or like finding balls at a eunuch convention."

"Or finding a eunuch at a ball convention."

"Okay, enough now."

The four members of the Sun family continued on their journey to the home of Sima Yi. They headed west, the ominous looking black plains at their backs.


End file.
